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Elizabeth here: I apologize to the field of archaeology and to the state of Texas for writing this story. For everyone who isn’t a Texan or an archaeologist, enjoy!
Jay was happy to be in Cairo. After the brutal shootout with the Texan treasure-hunting mercenaries on the plane there, the solitude and gentle sounds of the nighttime city felt like cotton candy to him. It was just him, his local driver, and the stolen map in his suitcase. He was looking forward to a night of drinking. Surely those Texans wouldn’t follow him here. Surely they had learned their lesson, and had seen enough Indiana Jones movies to know not to mess with a buff archaeologist.
But when he paid the driver, thanked him in fluent Egyptian Arabic, and walked to the bar just in front of the taxi, he saw someone sitting in the window. A blonde someone, with familiar smooth skin, a tight black dress that pressed against her curvy body, and huge wavy hair that went all the way down to her seductive hips.
It was his stalker, Louise. How did she get here? How did she know he was going to come here?
He ducked below the window before she turned her head, thankfully avoiding her gaze. Even here, there was no escape. He thought he was rid of her when the Chicago incident was over, but no. She found him yet again.
Jay ducked and darted down the street, keeping his head down. Passersby looked at him, but nobody said anything. When he was three buildings down, he held his head upright again and began running to the end of the block, where he turned a corner and hailed another cab. He needed to get drunk, and he needed to do it far away from here.
At 3 A.M., he stumbled into the hotel lobby. It was a top of the line hotel, with a massive, deep pool that hugged against the side of the rectangular building. The front of the hotel was decorated with blinking lights and a neon sign that read “THE PYRAMID DELUXE”. It was a hotel meant for English-speaking tourists.
There was a marble fountain in the lobby, which bubbled and splashed as soft music played from speakers in the ceiling. Jay walked to the front desk.
“I have a… reservation for… Jay McArthur,” he said to the receptionist at the front desk. They gave him a keycard and a free raisin cookie; he crammed the cookie in his mouth as he wobbled to the elevator, then rode to the third floor.
His hotel suite had a warm theme to it, with red carpet and orange walls. There was a big brass ankh hanging on the wall above the TV. Jay tossed his suitcase by the bathroom door and plopped down in the orange bed, still wearing his clothes. All he could think of was sleep. He finished chewing the cookie and passed out with his right hand hanging off the side of the bed.
That night, he dreamed of the treasure he wanted. The crown and staff of Anubis, said to control the living dead. But, that last part was a myth. The crown and staff were said to be made entirely from solid gold, and were worth a fortune. He dreamed of living in a white mansion, artifacts in hand, ordering around a pack of school bullies from years ago who were now working as his servants. That was his dream life.
Jay woke up with a minor hangover at ten in the morning to someone stroking his back.
“My love, did you sleep well?” Louise asked. Jay rolled over in a panic. Louise was standing by the bed, peering over him with a lustful smile. She was clad only in black underwear, and her wavy hair formed a blonde cape behind her. He froze for a moment in surprise as she jumped onto the bed and sat on his legs. Her smooth, supple thighs pressed against his jeans, and her breasts jiggled in their loose bra.
For a moment, Jay thought about surrendering. But instead, he pulled his legs out from under her, leapt out of the bed, and grabbed Louise.
“Hold me tighter, my love,” she said, staring into his eyes. But, Jay wasn’t embracing her in that way. He peeked out the glass door leading to the balcony. As he suspected, his room was in the rear of the hotel, and his balcony was right above the pool.
“You, me, right now, on the balcony,” Jay said sternly.
“I knew you’d come around,” the gullible Louise said with a playful giggle.
Jay picked her up in his arms and carried her to the glass door. He unlocked it and slid it open. The rising sun and cool morning air of downtown Cairo welcomed him.
Instead of pinning her to the floor and giving her the good dicking down she wanted, Jay had other plans. Louise’s eyes perked up when Jay started to swing her in his arms. Jay built up momentum and pitched her over the side of the third floor balcony. Louise fumbled for the ledge, but Jay had thrown her too far. She let out a scream and flailed her arms as she fell.
“Aaa!” she shouted as she splashed into the pool. The gargantuan splash rained down on a handful of early morning sunbathers by the pool’s ledge.
Her head popped back up above the water as Jay congratulated himself bahis firmaları on a job well done. “I love you!” she shouted as the sunbathers stood up and angrily peered down at her. Jay knew Louise would try to take the blame for it if anyone asked, and tell the staff that she jumped off herself. Her willingness to take the fall for him was the one upside of having her as a stalker. So, the hotel staff probably wouldn’t be angry at him.
Still, it was morning, and time for him to leave to hunt down the treasure. And, he would have to leave before Louise could get back up to him. He closed the balcony door, opened his suitcase, and looked at the map. From Cairo, he was supposed to travel far away from the banks of the Nile to a tiny oasis a few hundred miles West, and the tomb would be underneath a solitary hill in the middle of a flat patch of desert.
Then he heard the unmistakable sound of Texan speech outside his door.
“What room do ya reckon she went off into?”
“Shhh! Keep yer voice down! We don’t want her to hear us, or she’ll run away! Think about it. She’s hopelessly in love with him, and won’t lead us to him willingly.”
“Got it. But how in God’s name is she able to find him?”
“Must be one crazy gal.”
Jay quietly crept to his suitcase and took out the concealed handgun in the false bottom. It had six bullets. He put his ear to the wood door, careful not to make a sound.
But, he was in a hotel. He realized the gun wouldn’t do. Maybe he could get away with pitching a girl into the pool outside, but if there were gunshots, the police would come. If only there were a club he could use… something made of heavy metal…
He walked to the TV and grabbed the giant ankh that hung above it. The tacky decoration was hefty and easy to hold. This could kill someone. He held it like a maul and leaned against the door, waiting for the two men to move on.
When their quiet footsteps passed his room, he creaked open his quiet door. The two burly Texan men outside had small revolvers on their hips and the faint odor of maple syrup and bacon. Was there a Waffle House in Cairo? Jay, strong in his own right, crept up behind the two men. Nobody else was in the hallway.
Finally, he went right up to the man on the left and brought the heavy ankh down on his bald head with an earth-shattering smack. He instantly crumpled to the floor. His partner turned, and in his confusion, Jay lunged forward and grabbed the man by the neck, pinning him against the wall. The Texan reached for his revolver, but Jay snatched it away and tossed it by his unconscious comrade.
Jay struggled with the man as he tried to claw his way out of his grip, but Jay strangled him until his body grew limp and he passed out.
The two men were thankfully still alive. There wouldn’t be any police this time. He dragged them both into his hotel room and piled them on his bed. With that taken care of, he picked up his suitcase and the ankh and ran outside to catch a taxi. The ankh looked like gold, so if he encountered other Texans along the way, maybe he could use the ankh as fake treasure to bargain with them. As he finally hailed down a cab on the street, he saw Louise running toward him from the pool, having finally placated the angry poolgoers and whatever staff were called there. Her soaked bra-clad breasts were shaking as she ran.
“Wait for me!” she shouted.
“Start going West, I’m in a hurry, I’m late, I’ll give you the full address later,” Jay said to the driver, who sped off, leaving Louise behind. Jay snuck a look at her one last time just before she went out of sight.
The taxi driver asked no questions. Jay admired him for respecting his privacy.
He had the taxi driver drop him off at a car rental place at the very edge of Cairo. He rented their most powerful Jeep and purchased enough gas, water, and supplies to last him the whole way to the tomb and back, with extra just for safety. He put the keys in the ignition and it let out a powerful, manly whirring. He sped off and drove down El Wahat road, driving along for hundreds of miles over several hours before going off course and speeding down the sandy flats towards gravelly, cracked hills of dusty dirt. A cloud of dust and sand spewed from his wheels as he drove.
At four in the afternoon, he came to another large, sandy flat, and was overjoyed to see his destination: a pale, dry dirt hill sticking out among the sands.
He parked the Jeep next to the barren hill and checked the map. This was it. The tomb was somewhere underneath here. A lizard skittered along the ground as he stepped out of the Jeep and gathered his shovel and pickaxe.
Now he had to figure out how to get inside. He examined the hill for fifteen minutes, trying to figure out where exactly the entrance of the tomb was. Was it deep underground? Would he have to spend hours digging?
Then he saw a shiny green beetle crawl out of a tiny, almost invisible crack in the dirt. He slammed kaçak iddaa his pickaxe into the side of the hill, and it collapsed into a wide pile of dirt and rubble. Beyond the thin wall was a six foot wide sandstone brick staircase leading down into the dark depths. He put his shovel and pickaxe away, and filled a canvas bag with supplies, including his gun and ankh. That ankh was a beast of a club, and it might come in handy for bludgeoning things.
He stepped into the dark dry depths below, flashlight in one hand, bag in the other. The staircase went down for almost a hundred feet until he finally came to a circular sandstone chamber with a hallway opposite of him. There was a sandstone statue of Anubis in the center.
When he stepped into the chamber, he felt a little tile of floor sink below him. A pressure plate. The statue of Anubis lowered its staff and let out a great jet of flame from the stone tip that just narrowly missed Jay as he leapt out of the chamber. Jay kept backpedaling as Anubis raised his staff back to its resting position. This tomb was a deathtrap. But, if there was an ancient egyptian flamethrower inside, the treasure must have been even greater than he imagined. Jay resolved to press onward.
He backed up, and tossed the heavy brass ankh onto the pressure plate. Anubis lowered his staff again and spewed flame into the air just above the ankh. It kept uselessly spraying flame until the jet began to shrink. Finally, it ran out of fuel and went inert.
Jay picked up the warm ankh and walked to the hallway, careful to watch for traps.
After disarming another flame trap in the same way, ducking a giant swinging axe, and navigating a spike-pit filled maze, Jay came to a massive hemispherical chamber with giant water pit instead of a floor. There was a single sandstone bridge that extended to the center of the room. In the center was a wide bronze platform sticking out of the water, and he saw a gleaming, vertical sarcophagus in the center. It was eight feet tall and adorned with vibrant paints.
Jay was excited, but wary. He slowly walked across the bridge, encountering no traps, and reached the sarcophagus unharmed. He gripped the lid and gently opened the coffin. He set the lid on the bronze floor.
Inside was a dessicated skeleton with tattered cloth loosely hanging off of it in bands. It was wearing a gleaming, solid gold pschent double-crown with a gigantic ruby in its center. A golden staff topped with a shimmering diamond was on the ground of the sarcophagus by a pile of crumbled hand bones.
Jay picked up the priceless artifacts. They were heavy and gave off an overpowering aura of wealth. His eyes glimmered with delight and joy as he put the pschent on his head and held the staff aloft. The pschent fit perfectly on his head. He was going to flee Egypt and sell them soon, but he figured he might as well enjoy wearing and holding them for a minute.
Then he heard footsteps running down the hall of the tomb. He froze for a moment. Was it the Texans? He put the artifacts down, turned off his flashlight, and pulled out his pistol.
He was almost disappointed when it was Louise instead, holding a bright oil lantern, running to him in a skintight beige dress. She had a bulky tan purse hanging from one strap on her shoulder. Jay almost wished it was the Texans instead, because then he could just shoot them and get it over with.
“Jay!” she shouted as she ran toward him with her arms outstretched. “I’m here to save you!”
“Oh God,” he muttered as she glomped him and gave him a huge hug, oil lantern still in hand.
“Enough hugging! Those weird cowboy hat people are coming to kill you, my love! They’ll be here any minute. But I have a plan!”
“So do I. Stay here and I’ll shoot whoever gets past the pit traps. Hey, how did you get past the traps?”
She started sifting through her purse, and took out two rolls of cheap hotel toilet paper–the thin, slightly browned kind that looked like cloth and didn’t have perforated tears in it. “Here, take these.” Louise put her purse on the ground and started stripping out of her dress.
Just as she pulled it off her body, leaving her in nothing but short tan boots and black underwear, Jay spoke again. “What are you doing?”
“I heard they’re scared of mummies.” She unfastened her bra, and as it fell to the ground, Jay was struck by just how hot she was. Her perfect, bare breasts had changed little since college back when they were dating and Louise first developed her unhealthy obsession for him and Jay began trying to distance himself from her.
Louise pulled off her boots and socks, and finally, her black underwear. She was completely naked.
“Okay,” she said. “Wrap me up! I played a mummy in high school, this oughta scare them.”
Jay froze for a moment. Was this a good idea? But, he decided that there was no harm in letting her help. At the absolute worst, she would be a good distraction while he shot kaçak bahis at the Texans. He began wrapping her legs in toilet paper, starting from her feet and moving up. He wrapped every inch of skin on her legs, and made sure to wrap her groin in an extra thick layer of toilet paper; just being around him was making her wet.
He finished wrapping her torso, binding her breasts in a tight coil of toilet paper, then wrapped her arms. Finally, he wrapped her head, and made sure to cram her gigantic cape of blonde hair inside of the toilet paper, giving her head a distended look.
“How do I look? I can’t see.”
“Like a toilet paper mummy.”
“Great! Give me the staff and the cool gold pope hat. That’ll make me look authentic.”
Jay put the priceless crown on her head, adjusted it to be snug and tight, and put the staff in her paper-wrapped arms.
“Louise, this is a silly plan.”
“It’ll work, I’m sure!” She climbed into the sarcophagus, shoving the ancient skeleton to the side as it crumbled in a pile of dusty bones. Some of the dust settled on her wrappings. “We can even make a bet. If I can scare them all off, we’ll fuck right here in the coffin!”
Jay rolled his eyes. “Sure. If you scare off all those burly Texans, I’ll bang you right here.”
“Great! Close the lid, hide behind the coffin, and tap on the back of it when you hear them coming. I’ll do the rest. Then we can have a fun time together after they’re gone!”
Jay rolled his eyes as she folded her arms and he lifted the heavy lid. He took one last look at Louise before sealing her inside the sarcophagus. He picked up both of their bags and hid behind the sarcophagus, then turned off her lamp and his flashlight. He held up his gun and waited.
Four minutes later, a cone of light shone into the room.
“This it, boss?” a Texan asked.
“Mhm, I say, that there’s the coffin alright,” a familiar Texan voice said. Did they bring their leader all the way here to grab the treasure? He was a big man of about fifty who wore a white suit and made his fortune on illegal gambling.
He heard about ten pairs of footsteps. Not good. He thought about sneaking into the water, so maybe he could swim behind them. But, his gun wasn’t waterproof, and he didn’t know how to swim quietly.
He tapped the coffin three times.
None of the texans heard it. “Someone open that there treasure box,” the leader said. Then, Louise thudded from inside the coffin, and it shook slightly. A few Texans gasped and cocked their firearms. Another thud.
“What’s that?” one asked.
“I bet it’s Jay. Idiot locked himself in a coffin.”
Finally, with one last thud, the sarcophagus lid fell to the floor and shattered. Flashlights shone on Louise.
“That ain’t Jay…”
“Graaaahhggg! Who disturbs my rest?” Louise shouted. Her voice was loud, deep, and dramatic.
“She’s got the treasure! Get it!” the leader said.
Louise shambled toward the Texans. “Leave my slumbering place, fools, or thou shalt sleep here with me… Forever!”
“What are you waiting for? Don’t let a little weirdo in a mummy costume stop you!” the leader said.
Jay heard a rattling and clanking come from the bridge as Texans murmured and gasped. Was it people loading their guns? Or something else?
“Oh god! Nope! Nope! This is above my pay grade!” Two of the Texans dropped their guns began running down the hallway. How convincing was Louise? This was a terrible disguise. It couldn’t possibly be that convincing. Even thick-headed mercenaries shouldn’t have fallen for it.
“Oh god! I pissed myself!” another shouted as he ran. What was going on?
More rattling came from the waters below. As a white, bony hand stretched out of the dark water and grasped the bronze pillar, Jay almost screamed. A ghastly, yellowed, mold-ridden skeleton climbed out of the water, ignored Jay, and began shambling around the sarcophagus towards the Texans. What was going on? More of them screamed and ran, without even firing their weapons. There must have been more skeletons climbing on the bridge.
“Y’all got the right idea,” the leader said, and his big footsteps thudded down the hall, leaving the room quiet save for the faint sounds of clanking.
“And never return… lest you desire eternal rest!” Louise shouted.
The clanking stopped as the last pair of footsteps ran into the distance. Jay watched as another skeleton climbing out of the water fell apart. Its bones fell into the water and sunk to the bottom of the pool. He peeked around the sarcophagus, and saw Louise waving her staff in front of a dozen skeletons. Two rifle-mounted flashlights laying on the ground gave him light to see. The diamond tip of her staffwas glowing, but it was fading as the skeletons fell apart and returned to the dark depths below.
As the last skeleton vanished, Jay spoke. “They’re, um, gone.”
Louise turned around and ripped the toilet paper off her head. “Woohoo! It was getting stuffy in there. I’m glad I can see again. Can you turn that lamp back on?”
Jay nodded and lit it again, bathing them both in orange light. “Hey, did you notice anything, uh, strange while you were doing that?”
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